Strange

I woke up this morning and I didn't feel like myself. I felt like I was lost, alone, without cause. I was scared. I don't know why I woke up this way but it felt unnatural. I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to move. Getting out of bed was hard work. Turning on my computer and watching Dexter was hard work. Forcing myself to take a shower was even harder. I don't know why and I don't know how but I just am feeling a lot of things right now.

I am not depressed. That't what I keep telling myself. I am not actually sad it is all in my head. But I don't want to sing. I want to be still, silent, alone. But not really. I want Jordan to take me on a date, a real date. One that is planned out and I don't know what it is. A surprise, that't what I want I want Jordan to surprise me. He won't. Maybe that is what has made me the way I am today. No, that makes no sense. You have no idea how great it would be to be surprised by something Jordan does. The last time he surprised me he was proposing but that was the only time, unless you count sneaking back to six flags (but he was scared while we were there so maybe that shouldn't count, if he feels guilty about it why should it count?)

It would be so wonderful if we did something other than watch television or played video games. I want to do something creative with him something out of the ordinary. Maybe something physical? like putt-putt or Lazer Tag or even a game of catch. That would be out of the ordinary for us. I would even count that as a date. (as long as we ate something later (even if that something was a Popsicle)) Or what about going to the Highlands? We could walk around the fountain eating ice cream from marble slab, maybe go into a couple of stores but mostly spend our day walking, holding each others hands, people watching. Perhaps even looking at the clouds and telling each other stories. We could write a poem or make wishes in the fountain. I dont really care, even if it is hot I don't really care I just don't want to spend another day or night not doing something together. We aren't married. We don't have the luxury of cuddling on the couch while we watch tv. We sit in two separate and hard chairs made of wood in front of the computer while I watch something on the computer and he plays a video game next to me. It isn't fun. It isn't special. it is how we spend everyday. and now? now that we aren't together every single day and we see each other much less you would think we would change and do something different but we don't we do the same thing every day. It is to predictable to Boring. Exhaustibly boring.