Sadness

I have learned that when I am sad I get hungry. Right now that's how I feel. I am so close to moving away to Utah, moving away from everything I know, It makes me sad.

I don't really want everyone to know but at the same time I do. I want everyone to think that I am this strong young woman who isn't afraid of life. I want to be respected and well known. I want to be someone other people can look up to. I don't want to be that girl, you know the one that cries herself to sleep at night because she misses them. But

I am that girl. I do miss them. I haven't even left them yet but I miss them. I miss all of the people who have helped me since February.

• Bishop Mitchell- I miss your home. The warm sheets on the bed, the open fridge. I miss knowing I wasn't going to be late to church functions and that you made me want to be better. I miss knowing I could talk to you whenever I needed to.
• Sister Smith- I miss you getting upset with me when you noticed I wasn't going to church. I miss praying every night as a family, even if I wasn't really family I felt like it. I miss knowing that you would make sure I was able to get to work and school and all those other important things.
• Rachel- I miss our long talks at night that kept us up when we should have been going to bed. I miss your mom asking me to do the dishes (you know like I belonged.) I miss your brothers and sisters. I miss learning to sew with Lexi. I miss working out with Nick. I miss meeting new people every week because everyone loves the Reyes family. I even miss your parents "debates" they reminded me of what it was like to be at home with my mother and father (or step father) and their own "debates"
• The Moons- I cannot even begin to tell you everything I miss about you. I miss Adam and Anna. and Aaron and Jamie and Brock. I miss Larissa and Dane and Lelani and Ava, and all of those get-togethers we had to celebrate birthdays and Sundays and New Porches. I miss Brother Moon's Voice as he tried to make me feel better when Mitch kicked me out. How calm he made me feel. I miss Sister Moon, especially when I remember those days when she would tease Jordan and I knew that she was in a happy mood. and Heather I can't forget her either. She may not have helped me but she made me see that life isn't THAT hard.
  
  Most of all I miss Him. My love. My Jordan...
  
  
• If anyone has helped me it has been him. He was there when I first moved in with my dad. He held me when my dad hurt me (especially on fathers day) as I cried he told me that I was strong. He held me when my dad left the day before my Baptism. He told me he loved me. He stood by me when I was missing my mother, my brother, my sister, Kevin. He rushed to my aid when I needed his shoulder. He helped me get my first job. (my only job) He made me feel loved when the people around me seemed to hate me, to forget that I had feelings. He helped me in school. He taught me so much. He really was, and is, my knight in shining armor. Everyday away from him hurts. Physically is hurts. Emotionally it hurts. I just miss him. I haven't left him yet but I miss him still, I feel like I have already left him.

There are a bunch of other people I could list with so much detail but I can't list them all (the List would never end.) But there are some people that I do need to mention by name so i'll list them now.

1. Sister Green
2. Sister Bronson
3. Sister Peterson
4. Sister Poteet

My Young Women's Leaders. You all deserve some credit for the amazing job you have done at helping me grow in the gospel.

To everyone I listed and everyone I didn't, THANK YOU. From the bottom of my heart I thank you. Everything you have done for me has helped me to become a better woman. I will miss you all.

Love, Kalyn

something I found

Kalyn Floyd: "Today
Well all have stories to tell
Tomorrow
We’ll all be gone
Because yesterday is over
And tomorrow never comes
So TODAY
We will be happy
And tomorrow
Were sad
So every day
And every tomorrow
Will never be that bad
Because
Yesterday is done and gone
And tomorrow never comes
So today’s the day that we must live
Forever till the break of dawn
So TODAY
You will be happy and
TOMORROW you will forget
Because today
Things are changing and tomorrow
Tomorrow never comes"

I wrote that a very long time ago. I found it in a draft folder that was meant to be sent to my grandma in Cali. I am so happy i found it, it was one of my favorite poems that I wrote.

Labels

I have come to the conclusion that I want to have my own line of label's. You know, the type that go on clothing that tell you who made it and how to care for it? I want that, so that everything I make can always have my label on it. How cool would that be? I mean, I am talking about MY NAME on the things that I MAKE. it would make making things seem so much more personal, everything that bears my name has to be good quality otherwise I don't want to claim it. It would be like stamping my approval on my creations.

So today I realized something, I am losing weight! Thats right you heard it. I AM LOSING WEIGHT! I don't know how much but i know it is happening because when i put my pants on today I had to go down one my notch so my waist area has to be getting smaller. I cannot wait till i find out what I really weigh, i plan on finding out in a week or so. Wish me luck as i try to get thin! :)

on hold

By countdown is officially frozen. One minute I think I am living on one day the next I find out I am leaving on another and the next I find out that I don't really have a clue as to where I am going and how I am going to get there. Life is flusterating like that sometimes. NOTE: Yes, I know that flusterating is not is fact a word that is in the dictionary but it is in my vocabulary so you are just going to have to deal with it. If you don't like it then you need to stop reading because, well, right now I am a little lot flusterated. See what I mean?

I wish I could really find out when I am leaving for school. I want to go to freshman orientation I want to see Jordan in September and I want to know that I will have everything that I need in order to be successful. I am very disappointed in the people that I trust because, right now, I have discovered that they have all seemed to have let me down. They are unplanned, they think that I can just afford to buy a ticket to get me to school and then make it there all on my own and this just isn't true. some people just do not understand that life is not the same as it has always been. It isn't that easy to just up and move unless you have that kind of money which, at the moment, I do not have.

I really do hope that everything works out in the end because, as I said on facebook, all I want is "to go to college, learn some stuff, make some friends (hopefully), and then get out and get on with my life. STOP MAKING ME BEAT AROUND THE BUSH HERE I DO NOT LIKE IT!

End of story goodnight.

Sigh

Well I haven't been posting much and that would be because the countdown has officially began. I am officially 7 days away from moving to Utah. Yes, UTAH! In only seven days I am going to be on a plane headed off for this place that I have never been to, never seen, and that I have never known anything I about until I joined the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I know I am making so many people proud. I am the first person in my family that is going to college. My step dad I think is the most proud of me, him and his new wife. They keep wanting me to tell them when I get to school, I really don't think that they can wait. Then there is my mother, she is just as proud of me as they are only she expresses it in a very different way. She is quiet about it and doesn't ask me about it all of the time.

Pin curls

2 nights ago I tried something new with my hair. Let me preface with saying that I have decided that I really like the 1940's. I am now looking into making or buying skirts and dresses that fit with that era. I bought red lipstick and a few other things that will make me feel really 40's, the only thing missing is my hair. I don't even know what century my hair is in but I want it to be in the 40's so I decided to try out pin curls.

Please let it be known that my hair is thick, I mean really thick and red. (No it isn't naturally red) It is also short, when I say short I mean it doesn't even go to my chin, and layered did I mention it is layered?

Anyways I got it into my head that I could have pin curls all over my head. I had Rachel cover my head in 90 bobby pins and hair gel and water. We spent an hour or so putting these curls into my hair, if you would like to know what pin curls are you should google them because I am not going to post pictures, sorry.

I went to sleep in them. Mind you the sleep was really bad because I was so scared of frizzing my hair. When I woke up I took out the pins. Good news-it wasn't frizzy. Bad news-I looked like a poodle with a bad hair job. My hair was covered in so many curls it was CrAzY. I had this giant mass of curls on the top of my head and it just looked AWFUL.

The question is, will I do it again? Not while my hair is as short as it is but, yes I do intend on doing it again. The curls, if they didn't look good on me at that moment, were good curls. They withstood brushing and water, they didn't frizz, they were easy to do (time consuming but they can be done the night before) and they did look good just not with all them short layers.

Well that is all I really have to say, sorry there is a gap between the days, I haven't given up on writing every day but I have realized that there is no need for me to write on the days when nothing actually happens.

Ties

Did you know that silk ties can make a really cool looking skirt? Yeah I didn't either until I sewed a bunch of them together and made one at Lexi's apartment. BTW Lexi is Rachel's younger sister. She is pretty good at the sewing stuff.

I woke up at 730 and got to her house at about 800am (I was so tired I don't like waking up early when I go to bed late) I stayed at her place till late, i'm talking 9pm that is like 13 hours or something like that. It was fun. We cooked some soup, out of a recipe book that I haven't had the chance to use, and went food shopping which was funny because she got very scatterbrained while she was there, she almost forgot to pay. Hehe.

Anyways other than that I didn't do all that much but I did have a good time and, aside from not getting to spend anytime with Jordan this evening, Today was great. I cannot wait until tomorrow when I get to spend some quality time with Jordan. I have missed him so much. I am not used to being apart from him for 4 days. Trust me, when you are with a man almost every single day and then suddenly you only see him 2 times a week you really start to miss the guy.

America the beautiful and Cheesecake day

Jordan and I went to and watched Captain America after we went to the Cheesecake Factory (because it was national cheesecake day so it was all 1/2 price.) During the movie I kept comparing Captain America to Jordan. I asked Jordan I said, "Would you try to go to war 5 times if you were rejected every time?" and he told me that he would. It made me smile. The idea that he would want to serve his country if ever it needed him made me feel so proud to be by his side.

Later during the movie something else happened that I needed to ask him another question. I said, "would you jump on a grenade for another person?" he thought about it for a moment and then said, "I would hope so." That made me happy again because I knew he was being honest. He genuinely would hope that he would make that call. I know that if he was ever put into that position he would do the right thing and, while I would miss him, I could not help but to be proud of his sacrifice. Just imagine what it would be like if your husband died saving 10 or even just one mans life. You would be sad that he was gone but how could you be that sad for long knowing that he SAVED SOMEONES LIFE!?!

The movie also made me wish I had grown up in an era when people loved their country. I won't lie and say that I have always shown proper respect for where I live and the freedoms I have but, then again, I haven't always been as educated as I am now. I just wish that others would see what it is I see everyday. People really need to start having more respect for the men and women who fight for their freedoms and for the Government who allows those freedoms.

Did I mention that the era in which the movie was set holds a lot of meaning for me? While I would not agree with all of the goings on of the time period I still would have loved to have been apart of it. Women were respected there, they were prized and treated with so much compassion . The family was important to everyone, single parents were rare unless they were killed in the war. Children were treated kindly and sternly. There was just so much respect for the Family as a unit and now that has seemed to disappear. It is truly sad really, people have no idea of what they are missing out on. Anyways it is late and I have church in the morning, eventually I will post more on this matter but for now I am going to sleep, goodnight.

Going to the Temple and we're...

Doing the work for the dead. That's what I did today. I went to the Temple and was baptized many times for the people who have gone before me. I always feel a special spirit when I go into the temple but it is even more prominent when I start to do the work. I love that when we walk into the Temple everyone's tone suddenly gets lower and more solemn. They are reverent the moment they cross the thresh-hold. The conversations change and you can feel the spirit. Then you show your recommend and they read your name. They smile at you, like you are some very special guest that has been invited to some very special ceremony. (which, in a way, you have been) You change into white clothes and start getting excited about what is going to happen, whether you know or not.

I did conformations first this time. I remember when Sister Smith was teaching us about going to the Temple. She said that we should think about the names that are spoken and remember that they are people who have passed on before us and they are thankful for the work we do in the Temple for them. When the priesthood holders lay their hands on my head and say the name of who I am being the Proxy for I repeat their name and I ask them to accept what we do for them. After I say that, sometimes once the entire ordinance is finished, I get this warm shiver through my whole body. Like a ghost or something just passed through me and was saying thank you. It makes me thankful that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints. I know without a doubt that the people I do the work for are happy that I do it. They know the truthfulness of this gospel even if they had never heard of it before they passed on they know it now. I am so thankful.

I do have to admit that I was thinking strange thoughts when I was in the temple, for one the paintings on the wall seemed to be different to me, like they had changed or something but I discovered later that I just wasn't as observant as I thought I was the last time I was in the Temple. Then there were the oxen. I kept counting them. I could only ever see 8 oxen, I assume the others were behind the font but I couldn't seem to make them all fit in that space in my mind. It just didn't seem possible. There should be 12 apparently but I just don't see them all, maybe my depth perception is a little off.

I know one thing I dislike about the Temple. You are required to remove all of your jewelry when you put on your white clothes to do baptisms. That means I have to remove my engagement ring. When I take it off I feel naked and freak out thinking I have lost or misplaced it. It is hard to focus sometimes when you are afraid you have lost something very close to you.

Oh yes, I cannot forget I want to do the Temple work for my Grandmother. Lynette Fay Brian. She is the only relative I know that has passed away and I think it is fitting that I do her Temple work for her. She is the one who told me, as she lay in a hospital bed in Oklahoma, that she wanted me to go to church and look at me now, that is exactly what I am doing. I owe it to her to make sure she gets into Heavenly Fathers kingdom and that we see each other again on the other side. I love her so much I have to do this for her.

Well today has been a long one, tomorrow I am going to try and donate blood. I pray I will be successful. Goodnight.

Breathing Underwater

The first thought I had tonight when I sat down to write was that "forcing ones self to write is like trying to breath underwater." I don't know where that came from but to me it seems to make a lot of sense. If I were to try and force myself to write anything, and I mean really force myself like I could think of nothing to write AT ALL, it would be like trying to breath someplace I just wasn't going to get any oxygen.

Lucky for me most of the time I have thoughts. Ha thoughts, Doesn't everyone have thoughts all the time? Let me rephrase, I have thoughts that I am willing to share with everyone else.

Have you ever been asked "what are you thinking" and you didn't know what to say because you weren't sure what you were thinking about? My step-dad Kevin used to ask me that question all of the time and sometimes he would get upset with me because "you are always thinking something" yet I could never tell him what was on my mind. One day when we were in his green truck he asked my "what are you thinking?" This time I was prepared with an answer because, while we were driving I knew he was going to ask that question so I was trying to think of what to say when he asked so my reply was "I am thinking about what to say when you ask me what I am thinking about." To that he he laughed and replied "You really don't know what your ever thinking" he shook his head smiling. Since that day he hasn't bothered to ask me what I was thinking if I was quiet it simply meant that I was quiet nothing more and nothing less.

Hex

That is to say Hogwarts Extreme. What is it? Why you don't know? *sigh* it is a Harry Potter role playing game. Made, obviously, for those of us who are great fans of Harry Potter. When I was approximately 14 years old I was addicted to HEX. I was able to spend hours and hours of my time writing stories and developing characters. I had so much fun when I was a kid. Going back I realize that my writing style was not very good and there was much that I couldn't do that I can do now. (To be quite frank I didn't have anything that even remotely resembled style.)

Why am I talking about it? I shared it with Rachel today. I wanted her to know what it was like to play the game like I did and, as she is an avid fan of Harry Potter, I knew she would enjoy it. She was so lucky she somehow was sorted into the Slytherine house (I am a Hufflepuff) but she is muggle born (which is strange since Slytherine's are supposed to be pure bloods but they probably decided her blood type after (or maybe even at the same time) that she was sorted. Anyways it is getting late and I am a little tired so I think I am going to go to bed now.

Oh yes, Jordan and I went to the Temple today I am so happy he finally has his recommend. He said that his first thought when he went into the Temple was that "I am going to spend eternity with her" (her being me) and his second thought was "our children are screwed" I laughed when he told me that. Now really I am going to bed. Goodnight.

Kalyn Floyd

January 1, 1993-Today's date

She is survived by her sister (Miranda), mother (Tonya), brother (Jacob), step father (Kevin), and her fionce (Jordan). She was a very loving and kind young woman. She died before she got to be married to the love of her life Jordan who is, as we all know, not available for the next two years. We are all sure that, though his heart is broken, he will dutifully serve out his mission. Note: not a CIA mission but a church mission. (though I suppose hw would love to work for the CIA)

Her dream was to publish a novel before she turned 30 and, though she never did turn 30, she will manage this goal as we are publishing her blog. She would have wanted it that way. So now, for a limited time only you can purchase the Official blog of Kalyn for only $19.95. Inside you will find all of the random thought she has. No sorry Had. In total there are 30-something blog entries exactly. a page turner if I may say so myself. (though of course you could get it online for free but buy it in case the internet ever, you know, DIES like she did)

We couldn't decide who to dedicate the blog to as she never said to whom she would want the blog dedicated to. So we decided to dedicate it to the person who's name showed up the most *drum roll please* it was a really close call but congratulations Rachel R. Sorry Jordan apparently she didn't talk about you as much as you thought she did. Of course this could be because she was living with Rachel at the time of her untimely death but we will never know.

We are happy to say that she is in a better place, which can actually say because she was a Mormon, no correction, she was a member of the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints, that was a mouthful which is probably why people call them Mormon (though they should be called LDS if we are going to abbreviate)*Rachel has wondered why abbreviate is such a long word (just thought that was good to put in this obituary since Kalyn was known to be random, she would have wanted it that way)

There is a sad cry going through-out the nation today at the realization that her cafe (that would not have served coffee) will never be created. Friend Rachel R says, "I was so looking forward to Kalyn's unique combinations such as her cheddar-E cheesy caramel apple delicacy. Sadly I shall never taste the fruits of her success" That is not the way she would have wanted it. So at her funeral , which will be held tomorrow*, they will be serving the aforementioned delicacy.

*remember people Tomorrow never comes!

Homeless

I don't know why I haven't posted about this before as it is such a prevalent issue I have been facing in the past several months.

You, my dear reader, don't know me. Or perhaps you do but you may not and, as such I should tell you something of myself. Something that you couldnt know from my previous posts. You know some of my personality, how I go back and forth between things that seemingly have no connection, how my mind wanders so often, you know that part of me better than anyone. What you don't know are the facts. I am here today to set them straight.

You wouldn't know by looking at me but I am homeless. I have been told, by those who know of my past, that I wear my troubles well. I am inclined to believe them. When I am sad or upset or frustrated you probably cannot tell unless I am VERY sad or upset or frustrated. I suppose that is a good thing. Anyways, back to my main point. Homeless.

I am homeless and have been since February of 2011. No I don't live on the street and I am not a beggar, most homeless people aren't. You have to be really really poor to live on the streets, or friendless. Lucky for me I am not friendless. Don't get me wrong, there are challenges to being homeless. For 1, if you are anything like me, you want to pay back the people who help you, those who feed you and shelter you and give you rides. But you probably don't have the money to afford that, and a thank you just doesn't seem enough.

For 2, again if you are anything like me, you hate all of the change that is happening around you. You can only stay in one place for so long, you can't stay in one place for months so there is no reason for you to unpack (your just going to move again) and as you go from one place to another the rules all change. You feel strange taking other peoples food. You feel strange sleeping on someone else's bed. Then some families are actually families. They read together, play games together, pray together. You aren't sure if you should be allowed to participate in these activities but you feel rude if you don't. Some of the places you live want you to help them around the house, but you don't know where things go. Some places don't want you to lift a finger. Some invite you to use whatever you want but you aren't sure that is a good idea.

and For 3. For three you know that your family has abandoned you. Your family has completely left you without resources. You cannot rely on them to be there when you need them the most. They wont be at your graduation. They wont help you to pay for college. You cannot afford a prom ticket so you don't get to go to that. You miss out on so many things that your family should have helped you do. That is what I believe to be the absolute worst part of homelessness. You just don't belong where you used to. You have to find a new place for yourself.

I have to say I have done a good job at adjusting. It is hard I will admit but I have done my best. In fact, I have become very adaptable, a skill I am sure I will need in the future. Maybe that is why this was supposed to happen to me. I needed to learn how to accept things as they some and change. Adapt. I never really thought of it that way until now. I like that I have learned a useful skill out of all of this, something aside from learning how to prioritize and budget my money more wisely. Well it is late and I am finishing up with watching Jane Eyre with Rachel. I am going to do that now and, with a little luck I will come up here and be able to go straight to sleep. *Fingers crossed* GOODNIGHT

Handwriting

Tonight I am going to try and go to sleep before I actually Hit midnight so my post is going to be on the day that I am referring to and not the day prior.

So i have a new goal for myself. Oh, you want to know what it is I suppose? I guess I should tell you since I mentioned it. I'm stalling aren't I? Why? Oh that is easy, if I tell you my goal I may not actually achieve it, or worse yet, I will feel bad when I don't achieve it.

So you think I should tell you so i will feel bad about it if I fail? Well maybe you are write, no I mean right with an "r" and not a W (sorry I keep thinking about my goal.) I suppose you can probably guess by now that it has to do with writing. Oh, you already know what it is? How do you already know what it is, I didn't tell you did I? I did? When? What do you mean it is in my header? *looks up* Oh yes I suppose you are right.

Yeah, I want to improve my handwriting. I feel that it is sloppy and not good enough for me. I can't write in cursive. That isn't good. It's not all my fault either I mean. if only grade school would have taught us something more than the basics and high school demanded that we write in it, like I always imagined they would, I would already have great cursive wouldn't I? But they didn't and if I am to learn this valuable skill I must do it alone. I have already started on it actually. I know the basics of most of the letters on their own it is just stringing them all together that is a little more difficult. Like the letter Z that is very hard to write, especially if it is in the middle of a word and since my practice sentence is "The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog" I need to know how to write a Z in the middle of a sentence. I am getting better though, which is great.

Anyways I just joined a website called http://www.shoedazzle.com/ it is basically a shoes of the month club where they will send me recommendations on shoes and handbags I may like based on my personal interests. I don't have to buy anything but all of the shoes and handbags are priced at 39.95 and it is free shipping and handling. (which is nice) So if I really really liked something I could get it, but of course that is only if I really Really REALLY like something not if I just kinda like it or want it. Well it is getting late. almost midnight. Gotta post now. Goodnight.

Dreams

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like without him by my side. They say that behind every great man is an even greater woman. Am I this greater woman behind him or do I but wish to be that woman? and, if I am not yet that woman how do I become her?

In seminary I was taught that I should write down the qualities I would want in a husband and then write down the qualities I would want him to want of me. I would like to share with you that list, it is short and incomplete but I think it does begin to do justice to what I desire.

1.Hold a current Temple Recommend.

2. Sing

3.Dance

4.Read the Gospel

5.Live the Gospel

6.Proclaim the Gospel

7. Be strong when others would be weak

8. Be a good trend setter

9.Have unwavering faith

and

10. Love unconditionally.

These are the traits and habits I wish to form. Yes they are broad because there is no one way for me to accomplish them nor one way that they should be done. But I want to live that way. I want to be happy. I want to be HIS greater woman.

Robertson

In my phone he is known as Major Robertson, because all last year that is what he was. Now he is just Robertson (I just can't change his name in my phone it feels wrong.) Anyways. He is the friend that saved me from sitting alone at home all evening. He took me to a park, then we realized that we were hungry, so he took me to chick fil a. Then he took me to the KKK place (or at least that is what he called the creepy little church we went past. And we went back to the park so that he could show me this thing that spins around really really fast and it seems to not stop spinning even when you try and make it stop (I am pretty certain that that is indeed not possible but it did feel that way for sure.) I think while we were at the park that we interrupted a couple that was doing something that was not appropriate, if you get my drift. I got a little uncomfortable about that but we stayed for a little while longer, that is until the cops came and drove by, then he took me home.

Overall the night was good, better than being home all day long. Tomorrow I had better get to see Jordan or I think I just might cry. I really miss that boy, it has been to long since I was last with him. Hopefully his parents leave and let him have the car for a little while so we can do something sorta kind you know F-U-N. I am so tired of our activities being B-O-R-I-N-G!

Anyways it is really early for me to post this. most of the time I post between 1 and 3 in the morning so it will register as the next day but I am going tto post now instead. SO yes, there are two posts for today but one was actually yesterday and this one is actually today. Sorry for the confusion if you actually cared.

Sushi

Tonight I made Sushi. It was such a cool experience and I learned that I am very good at making the food. Did you know that Sushi doesn't refer to raw fish but rather to the rice. Sushi, as defined by the dictionary, is cold boiled rice moistened with rice vinegar. What everyone thinks as Sushi is actually Sashimi (which is raw fish without rice) and, when you add rice to raw fish you get nigiri-zushi. Most rolls are actually 100% cooked.

You know what else I learned? I learned that; Lexi has a small but cute little apartment, that you can get your scriptures in tiny little sets, that strawberries-cherries-and cream cheese go great on sushi, and that if you have hungry people around while you make rolls of Sushi it will disappear faster than you can make it.

New people

I am making new friends everyday that I live at the Reyes's home. The Bishops came over last night. The young lady on the left? Her name is Audrey and guess what! she is going to BYU like I am. I feel that we are going to great friends already. She is smart and funny, and she has this air about her. She is kind and sweet and, as she likes to say, soft. She is a gentle spirit and I need that in my life. Did I mention that she is a dancer?

I am so happy that I have gotten to know her a little bit. It means I have a friend that is going to be with me when I go to college and as I wait for Jordan to get back.

Oh yes we established that I am a type 4 personality. I will probably explain that more in another post but I am not in the mood right now. They are still here today and I want to spend more time with them before she leaves to go back home.

Strange

I woke up this morning and I didn't feel like myself. I felt like I was lost, alone, without cause. I was scared. I don't know why I woke up this way but it felt unnatural. I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to move. Getting out of bed was hard work. Turning on my computer and watching Dexter was hard work. Forcing myself to take a shower was even harder. I don't know why and I don't know how but I just am feeling a lot of things right now.

I am not depressed. That't what I keep telling myself. I am not actually sad it is all in my head. But I don't want to sing. I want to be still, silent, alone. But not really. I want Jordan to take me on a date, a real date. One that is planned out and I don't know what it is. A surprise, that't what I want I want Jordan to surprise me. He won't. Maybe that is what has made me the way I am today. No, that makes no sense. You have no idea how great it would be to be surprised by something Jordan does. The last time he surprised me he was proposing but that was the only time, unless you count sneaking back to six flags (but he was scared while we were there so maybe that shouldn't count, if he feels guilty about it why should it count?)

It would be so wonderful if we did something other than watch television or played video games. I want to do something creative with him something out of the ordinary. Maybe something physical? like putt-putt or Lazer Tag or even a game of catch. That would be out of the ordinary for us. I would even count that as a date. (as long as we ate something later (even if that something was a Popsicle)) Or what about going to the Highlands? We could walk around the fountain eating ice cream from marble slab, maybe go into a couple of stores but mostly spend our day walking, holding each others hands, people watching. Perhaps even looking at the clouds and telling each other stories. We could write a poem or make wishes in the fountain. I dont really care, even if it is hot I don't really care I just don't want to spend another day or night not doing something together. We aren't married. We don't have the luxury of cuddling on the couch while we watch tv. We sit in two separate and hard chairs made of wood in front of the computer while I watch something on the computer and he plays a video game next to me. It isn't fun. It isn't special. it is how we spend everyday. and now? now that we aren't together every single day and we see each other much less you would think we would change and do something different but we don't we do the same thing every day. It is to predictable to Boring. Exhaustibly boring.

Super Scribblenauts

So I am playing a new DS LITE game called, well you read the title yourself... it is so much fun. I mean it is a logic game of puzzles but it is also obnoxious and CrAzY. I mean I write the word bazooka and there is one. I write the word cake and there is one. I write the word Tesla coil and there is is. What about people? I write DaVinci or Leonardo and they pop up too. How cool is that? Imagine if that was how life really was. How magical. hmm. I played it for most of today and enjoyed myself immensely. I think Jordan enjoyed it too, mostly because he likes when I show an interest in video games.

I got raspberry juice on my skirt from the thrift store. I really hope I can get it out. If i can't oh well there will be a nice pretty purple stain on my skirt but, if i wear the shirt I was wearing today it wont really matter.

I also cannot get put back onto the schedule, isnt that my luck. Just when a bunch of people are asking me to take there shifts I can't because my GM wont let me. How unfair is that? and it is all because I thought I was leaving this Tuesday and instead I am leaving later next month. Oh well though, maybe once I get to Utah things will be different. maybe I will get really lucky and I will be able to work somewhere where I am at a desk or something or maybe, even better, I will be doing something that has me running around all over campus (talk about keeping myself fit and thin.

Well that is enough for tonight. Abby (Rachael's sister) is home from Oklahoma and she is probably going to want to go to sleep sometime tonight.

Goodnight world, see you tomorrow.

Last day of work

Today was my last day of work before I head off to BYU. Apparently people are really going to miss me there. not that they ever took the time to get to know me.

So Rachael and I have some strange talk before we go to bed. There is talk of what how people were proposed to and who we know that have waited for missionaries. did you know that there is going to be a nuclear atheist Holocaust and that byu is prepared to cut its way through the sin with its blades in the armory that is kept in order by the ward blade counter? yes its true. ask anyone. (note:anyone is limited to Kalyn and Rachael, ask anyone else and they will stare at you and walk away slowly)

Life is strang isn't it... Well time for bed. Goodnight worlds and good bye Chick-fil-a.

Goodnight

No I am not going to write a lot tonight because I am to lazy and to tired but hey AT LEAST I AM WRITING right? lol

Anyways it was Sister Rams birthday today and I had work that was all that really happened.

Goodnight

Oh yeah...I got a 1000 dollars today I guess that is a little important.

No really important

Oh Double yeah Look up divine comedy on youtube that is Funny Mormon humor

Now really I am going to bed before Rachel reminds me of something I forgot

Goodnight

Fin

Tonight was the end of something magical. The perfect chapter conclusion, something that started a memory from many years ago and has closed up old wounds tonight. What am i talking about? Harry Potter.

I grew up with Harry Potter. My first really great memories are of my mother waiting in line with me at midnight to get our tickets for the movie and my father watching it with me at the Grapevine Mills mall theater. I remember my dad reading me the first book, that was the only time I remember him being like a true father to me, and I remember hating that he had to read them to me because, if he hadn't, I wouldn't understand them. Those books are what made me into a reader and lover of words.

I only wish I could have shared it with the person I love the most. Sadly Jordan had to leave. I understand why so it isn't that big of a deal but I really wish he could have stayed. I wish his parents would allow him his freedom. That his mother would be more understanding of his needs and that his father would, well there is nothing wrong with his father unless good council is something that shouldn't be passed along. Sometimes I do wish that his father wasn't so wise. It would mean that we would be more apt to make our own mistakes and get dirty and learn from them. At least that way we could, maybe, have a little fun doing it. (sometimes it just sucks always being responsible, though that is a sign of immaturity I would imagine) Still, sometimes we would all love to be able to be like children again.

Well so much has changed since that first Harry Potter Premier. My mother and father don't even speak with one another. I don't speak with my mom. Moms been married once and divorced twice (and is working on a 2nd marriage now.) Dad has done the same. He has kicked me out of my own home. I am not a little girl anymore. I stopped playing softball. I fell in love. I am engaged. I am homeless. I am off to college. So much is different which seems the perfect way to end the night. Now that Harry Potter is over I get to start over and discover something entirely new about myself. *smile* I can raise a mug of butterbeer to that.

Goodnight

50 gOAls

1.Go to bed before 10 every night

2.Write in my blog every day (something more interesting than Blah blah blah)

3. Travel the world

4.Have children

5.Get married in the temple (not in that order)

6. Write a novel before I am 30

7. Mean something to other people

8. Become more self reliant (but still know when to ask for help)

9. Count my blessings

10.Read my scriptures everyday

11. Feed missionaries

12. Become a Foster Parent

13. Own a book store

14. Invent something new and practical

15. Finish the Book of Mormon in a year

16. Finish the Bible in a different year

17. Cook my way through a cook book (like Julie)

18. Build a house with my bare hands

19. Have an out of body experience

20. Become a famous photographer

21. Live in the country

22. Live in the City

23. Visit the taj mahal

24. Become a performer (or helper) at Scarborough fair

25. See Celtic Women live

26. Learn to draw

27. Paint something that I wouldn't mind hanging up on my wall

28. Sew a wedding dress

29. Visit my Meme's grave

30. Go to the underwater hotel

31. Get over my fear of needles

32. Donate blood

34. Name a star

35. Own my own home and have it paid off before I am 50

36. Save someones life and tell them to "pay it forward"

37. Have a legitimate reason to say "come with me if you want to live"

38. Learn to play the piano

39. Learn to play the guitar

40. Learn to play an ocarina

41. Stay out of debt

42. Be more Trustworthy

42. Be a friend that everyone knows they can count on

43. Find thirty three

44. Experience zero gravity

45. Solve a murder

46. Learn how to fly a plane

47. Learn how to speak more than one language fluently (and live in a place where it is spoken)

48. Be a good mother

49. Be a good wife

50. Be a good daughter

Butterbeer on the Food Network

Yup were bloggin this Butterbeer on the Food Network before I tell you about what happened today...

I WENT to SIX FLAGS! This is indeed great news. Six Flags is a fun filled magical place where you smile and sweat and ride fantastically fun roller coasters. Which is what I did, and I did it well. I rode the Texas Giant, the Titan, the Batman, the Mr. Freeze,the Mine train, even the Oil Derek-viewing tower thing. Oh did I mention, this was my first time to ride the Mr Freeze? Well it was...

The Mr. Freeze was fun, it took off so much faster than I thought it even could and it finished so much faster than I thought it should. I ate at Johnny rockets and Subway (not in that order), Jordan and I bought Caricatures of ourselves (pictures of which i will post when I get my camera), and an All-You-can-drink souvenir bottle. We had fun to say the least. I'm not talking the normal fun I am talking F-U-N (you know the spongebob song; F- is for friends who do stuff together U-is for you and me N is for anywhere and anytime at all...) :)

Any who, Rachel and I are planning a surprise for the people coming to watch the Harry potter movie tomorrow. We're making Butterbeer and grilled cheese sandwiches that look like harry potter stuff (since we felt that pizza would not complement the butterbeer all that well.)

Well it is time to shower (a day at six flags is not good for your smell if you know what I mean (which you should since I spelled it out for you)) and for sleep

Goodnight

Late night/early morning

Tonight I am staying up late when I should be going to bed as early as i can. Why? Tomorrow i am going to Six flags with Jordan very early in the morning. I am finally going to ride the MR FREEZE. I am excited but I might be a little tired too, oh well I will live.

Lexi and a few other people are here tonight and they are very funny. I am enjoying my time immensely. Which is of course why I am not going to bed, these people are keeping me awake. :)

We listened to Rachel tell a story. A story about a Lamb living underground and a Lion. I was laughing so hard when the story was over. I really need to go to sleep. I am going to sleep

Goodnight.

July 10th

So today is my anniversary. No, it isn't with Jordan (that was months ago) Nope today is the anniversary of my baptism. Since I wasn't blogging back then I will tell you what happened now.

I planned my Baptism so my father could attend. I set the date a whole month and a half in advance and moved it around so that it could fit into his schedule. HE promised me he would be there. My mom was in Canada so I knew she wasn't going to attend and my step mother and step sister weren't invited. I guess that was a bad idea because the day before I was baptized my dad decided to go on a spur of the moment softball tourney. SO obviously he wasn't in town for my baptism. I would like to say that he forgot but I know that he didn't he just went out of his way to make sure he wasn't there. Yet again he disappointed me. But in the long run I am almost happy that he didn't come, it made me realize that I really shouldn't trust him anymore.

What really made my baptism amazing, aside from the actual baptism itself was who baptized me. I still smile thinking about it. The person who introduced me to the church, the person I Am going to marry, Jordan Moon, baptized me. It is a memory I am not soon to forget. Afterwards we went to get ice cream and, overall, it was a beautiful day to be baptized.

So what about today? How am i supposed to celebrate such a great day? By going to church and being taught one of the lessons that I was taught when I first joined the church. Being reminded of the main principle that really made me convert "families can be together forever" :)

Rachel

So I moved in with Rachel today.

Goodnight.

oh yes this is Rachel in case you were wondering.

The Past

When I say the past I do not mean my own past but rather a past I cannot imagine having lived. What if, say, I was born in the 1800's where would I be now. Yes now I would be dead it having been thousands of years ago but would I be in the history books or in journals? Would I be remembered? And what was life like for me? Was I rich or was i poor? was I smart or was a dim-witted?

I can imagine my life when if I was born in the 1800s. Life was hard but I did not want for food. I was quick in thought but quicker still in action. I was a governess in an average home or perhaps a rich one but I prefer to think the children I taught were neither rich nor poor. Which is to say they were middle upper class instead of being upper upper class. I was treated kindly and wanted for little but The Master of the house was brutal. He was strong willed and drank on occasion and when he did drink he became angry. He threw things and hit things and had such a temper. Though he did not drink often when he did I was around and took the brunt of his anger. Many a time I thought to leave but I did not because I knew that, if I left, I would hunger and thirst- something I knew I just could not have.

My pupil was a young man by the name of John until he turned 10 and then it was John and his sister Elizabeth. Young John was very smart he caught on to the lessons quickly though his penmanship was poor, well enough though well enough. I had the most trouble with Elizabeth. She was much like her father (only she didn't need the influence of wine) She threw to many fits I do not know how i survived. But she was indeed beautiful. No more than 5 foot two with long curly brown hair. and blue eyes. She had the most beautiful blue eyes. A beautiful, stunning creature. It was no wonder her father and mother doted on her.

I sincerely doubt that I ever would marry. Though who knows. maybe after I left my post as a governess. after scrimping and saving everything I could I would leave the Masters home and become a school teacher in a distant village. Or perhaps I would be on an errand one evening and I would meet someone, someone who would persuade me to leave my post and marry. And perhaps I would have children. many children. though some of them would be taken away from me by miscarriages and still births. I would be sad and depressed as each of my children passed away one by one. until one day. One day I would bear a child and then another and another. Each of my children would be well provided for and well taught. They would be happy and so would I though I would have to work hard for it to be so. Then one day I would die and on my headstone it would read " a loving mother, wife, and teacher" and that would have been the end of me. a quaint life though a happy one.

That would have been a very interesting life. But not one I was destined to live. instead i live in the 21st century. and life is, well, life is interesting.

Goodnight

Packing

I have started packing for college and for moving away from Sister Smiths house. I am not looking forward to moving away from this place, I have really enjoyed my stay here.

Yesterday I didnt post because I realized that I was tired. Very very tired. So I just didn't post...

I have separated my stuff in piles of Trash. Donations. and College. I have found my College pile, while larger than the rest, it is actually pretty small. I am looking forward to Leaving for BYU but I can't help this feeling of uncertainty. I hope it will go away soon. Being unsure of myself is how I will lose it I think.

SO yesterday I had good news to share. I finally got out there and ran. Sadly I didnt have the self assurance to keep going after I slowed down. Note to self "dont slow down unless you can't speed up" Once I have stopped I seem to completely shut down and have to stop and not restart (which is bad for me.) I really need to become more self motivated.

Anyways. I cannot believe that I am going to be leaving this house in a matter of days. I mean, TOday is wed tomorrow is thursday and the next day is Moving day. Who knows, after I leave this house I may never come back. After i leave for BYU I may never come back to Grand prairie Texas ever again, Heck I may never even come back to Texas. Isnt that a scary thought. Leaving the only home i have ever known...

You know I can't help but wonder, why Grand Prairie? of all of the places my mother and Mitch could have decided to live they chose to live in The Grand Prairie Suburbs? It just seems strange. Mitch grew up in Country, for that matter so did my mother. Now mom seems really happy in Toronto Canada. How could either of them been happy in the suburbs? I just dont understand it.

College

I am so scared of leaving for college and yet I have never been more excited in my whole life. This is an adventure for me that I cannot wait to embark on but I have to do it alone. I don't get to decide how the cards are going to fall. I have to play my cards the right way. I have to learn how to cope with my sadness fear and anger all by myself. It is scary but it is about time that I learned how to survive on my own.

This is going to be a learning experience for me and I am going to embrace that. I am going to come out of this experience a better person in the long run. Am I ready for my life to change completly? no I am not ready but Ready or not here it comes...Right?

Again this is really short because I am forcing myself to write. maybe tomorrow I will tell you something interesting about what is on my mind.Nite.

Mom

Again I was watching bones and temperance decided that she wanted a baby. I have often felt this urge myself. Children are very important to me. The innocence in their eyes as they explore the world is something no one can capture but everyone should have the chance to witness.

While I was watching the episode I watched how temperance revered a child and it made me smile. She treated the child the same way I always imagined myself treating my own children. She treated them with intelligence. She spoke clearly and concisely she didn't lower herself to goo goo ga ga speech that so many parents seem to think is good for their offspring.

At the end of the episode Booth says to Bones that "you will be a great mother" one day I hope someone can say that about me.

I remember once when I was very young, my step father got very angry with me. I cannot recall why he was angry but I remember what he said to me. He said, very loudly that I should never have children because I am selfish. It hurt. it hurt more than I understood why at the time. of course then I wasnt thinking about having children in fact, i didnt ever want children then. (I felt they were snotty and annoying) but still what he said stung me. I think he knew that and a day or so later he said he was sorry, I know he was. It still hurts, not because of any other reason but that he is right. I am selfish but I work on that every day. I fight to put other peoples needs ahead of mine (when reasonable) I dont EVER want to live up to the expectations he had of me when I was younger.

one day I will be a great mother and my children will look up to me and say thank you for being everything to them. Just like I do for my own mother, not that she knows that. IF she ever read my blog she would know that I loved her and revered her as an inspiration to me.

She raised me in the only way she knew how for nearly 18 years. she fed me clothed me bathed me. she did a lot of things that other people never had to do just to make sure my life was better. I appreciate that. Though sometimes I think of her more as my friend than my mother and sometimes I hate her I always love her and know that she would give anything just to be with me and help me on my journey through life. I love you mom.

Well it is that time again. Time to go to sleep and wait for the new day to come. :) Tomorrow is the 4th of july so YAY America!

Love

I love them. I love him. I love a lot of people. They are my best friends. They are the people I trust. on of them I will marry one day the other I will be satisfied with knowing that he is happy but I love them both. They say the funniest things and do the funniest things and act the funniest ways. They are completely different people bound together by the bonds of friendship. They are unique in every way. That is why I love them. One of these days I am going to write down the things that they say, I wish I could remember. So i could share it with you.

SO tomorrow I am going to church. I write it down to make sure I go. it is fast Sunday. Which means that there is going to be the sharing of testimonies. Which is my favorite part of church. Crap I dont know what to write so I am not going to force myself to write more words. I stepping away from the computer and stopping this meaningless writing.

Arrangements

So I did get something done today. I paid the first part of my room and meal plan. I also got a pair of shoes and some new socks. Which i needed really badly since I have the intentions of trying for the rangers challenge. Somehow I need to be able to run a 15 minute 36 second 2 mile. Running that is my weakness. I can do push ups and I can do sit ups but I cant do running. It hurts my knees and my lungs feel like they are on fire.

I dont really know why I wrote arrangements as my title. Though I did do a little of arranging. Or rather I helped as Jordan arranged. We made one of the rooms a little more accessible. packed it in really good. It was fun watching Jordan stack boxes and vent his anger at the amount of stuff that was in the room. He is very attractive when he is frustrated and I really enjoyed it.

I really dont like that this post is so short but as of right now I do not know what to write. Hopefully tomorrow will be as good as today has been. Oh yes, I used my duct tape bag for the first time today. It hold so much better than I thought it would. well, back to bones.

Epic Fail

I Have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that I did make that messenger bag and it looks pretty cool. When I get the picture uploaded I will post it here.

the bad news?

I have already failed at my diet and my plan to lose weight. I am not very motivated. Jordan and I went thrift shopping as well. I didnt buy anything but jordan and I did talk about the idea of owning our own home and making love in different places. It seems interesting enough.

TO be honest It scares the hell out of me. What happens if he and i dont end up together? All of the time we say that it would be ok in the end it would be for the best but I am not so sure. All I know is that I want to have Jordans Children. I want to have our kitchen table be where I served dinner every night, I want my home to always be blessed with the sound of childrens laughter and happieness. I want to get into fights with him and then kiss and make up. I want to be his wife now more than ever. We have been told many times before that we already act like we are married why can we not actually get married? Why is that so difficult?

In a month or so I have to leave Jordan. I have to go to College without him and there is a chance that he is going to leave me then and I will never see his face or kiss his lips again. I am scared. I love his so much more than he could ever know. he is my everything. He is the center of my universe. I love him.

Enough of that/ Sometimes I just get a little upsett when I think of things that may never come to pass. I really should stop getting side tracked. I hope that the world is enjoying what I write here. It probably makes very little sense but it is my mind and if you dont like what you see when you delve into it then you should get out.

Oh yes. speaking of my mind. Jordan mentioned today that he is curious to see what is in my mind and discover whether or not he could survive there for more than five minutes. I really do doubt that. My mind is a cavern filled with riddles and mazes that even I myself have yet to uncover and understand. lol

Well it is getting late and I am wanting to go back to watching bones. I want to stay up until jordan wakes up to go to work so I can be what he wakes up to in the morning. I like to do that for him. one day he is going to wake up and I am going to be at his side and he is going to smile and be just as happy as I am when I see him. oh to the unwritten future!

Oh yes tomorrow I will be playing the flying harry potter game with the bludgers and golden snitch ( I cant spell the word and thus I am not even going to try and write it.) Wish me luck world. Ta ta for now.

Realizations

I need to lose weight. A lot of weight. I don't feel comfortable with the weight that I am at and I am hoping that, by writing it down, I will stick with my goal of losing weight. I have learned in the past that by saying losing weight is my goal that I wont succeed so, in order to hopefully succeed, ill set a legitimate goal. I will lose 30 pounds and eat more healthy. But I need a time frame. In 4 weeks I will lose 30 pounds.

in 4 weeks this will be me (Kalyn-30 pounds). So that means I need to lose 7 and a half pounds every week.

other than that what is new? Jordan and I went to a thrift store. apparently his day wasn't going all that well for him so i thought that he was in a really bad mood but, as it would be he was a fan of thrift store shopping. He did a really good job at finding stuff that i couldn't have found, it made me look good and I had a fantastic time.

we also bought some duct tape. a lot of it actually. tomorrow we plan on making duct tape wallets and a messenger bag, cool right? I think so I hope it looks good tomorrow. Alrighty then it is time that i go to sleep. Good night.

Food

Food is something that everyone needs in order to survive but it is also a love language. No it isnt a language everyone always understands but it is in fact a language. When two people share a meal it is a symbol of trust, especially if the meal is made by their own hands. Food is beautiful.

I view food as a sign of friendship and openness. I remember once a complete stranger made me an omelet because I had missed out on the pizza. I watched as she scrambled the eggs and fried ham and at the same time made a salad (complete with dressing) for another of her close friends. The way she moved around the kitchen made me smile. This was a woman I could trust, that I could become friends with. and you know what? I did become her friend the moment she handed me my omelet I was her friend. Someday I am going to make a friend by making them an omelet. I am going to be just like my newest friend.

Oh yes There was another instance in my life where food was a really important factor. Breakfast in bed. Now perhaps I shouldnt have experienced this yet but yes I slept with Jordan in his bed. No we did not do something that was inappropriate but I did sleep next to him and, in the morning, he brought me french toast when I woke up. I loved it. The best breakfast I have ever had.

:) I love my life.

zzzz

Did you know that sleep is needed in order for one to function properly? Yeah I learned that a few days ago from Rachel.

Why is it important? Because I cant sleep. I try, I really do, but sleep is evasive and if I do sleep it is fitful. So for my lack of sleep what have I done? I have made a duct tape wallet. and a Duct tape pouch that has pretty bright blue fabric on it. I have also managed to hurt my back pretty badly. at least that is what it feels like. I feel like my back is on fire and no matter how i sit it still hurts. I keep watching bones. the last episode I watched was amazing. It was very intense I mean the head lacking body made me feel very beheaded. Ha that was not a pun but it would have been really cool to have had there but I am just not quite that smart. Someday though, someday soon I will be.

Oh yes. I got a dorm room. You didn't know it but I have been trying really hard to get into the dorm rooms for months now and today, today I had a break through and got in. It is going to be expensive to live there but it is also going to be safer and it is going to teach me a little bit about getting to know people. My roommates name is a little strange but, then again, names are a strange thing. I cannot wait to meet her.

Anyways it is really early in the morning and, by the time Jordan gets off of work I should be waking up from whatever sleep I get around the time he gets off so that I can see him. Gosh darn it do I love him. I think I am going to call his sister tomorrow too and see if she cant take so pictures of me for my mother. OK then world, last 20 minutes of Bones then bed for me. Ill talk to you in the morning (or afternoon more like)

Bones

This show is Amazing. not possible but it is awesome. I like the idea of being able to tell a story using the bones of other people. I want my bones to tell someone exactly who I was, what i did, and how i died.I had better die some way cool too, none of this dying in my sleep stuff.

I dont want to be shot, thats overdone. I do want my death to be quick. Or at least I dont want to feel it much. so maybe a bunch of painkillers then something really cool and awesome. I also dont want to die to young so, if there is a serial killer reading this (which I doubt) please dont come after me just yet, wait until I am old had children and written my novel. Though you know Serial killers are pretty cool (not for what they do just how infamous they are. even if that is a little twisted I dont really care. Anyways, Bones is AWESOME. That is all I have to say on the subject.

Fear

I am afraid of old houses. They scare me to no end. Big windows that I cant see past much else but the initial glare of my reflection and, if I look really hard I can see the outline of someone else's home. It is dark. It is scary. Every noise scares me. Every bump. Everything that I hear is like loud thunder in my ears. I know there is nothing to be afraid of. There is nothing but my imagination playing tricks on me but I cannot help but to be afraid.

There are no boogeymen anywhere out to get me. There is nothing in my closet or under my bed. The creek that i hear is the fridge. The scratching comes from the trees and the wind. The

feeling of wet against my back? that is the easiest of all , a dog but still it makes me cringe and jump. The random clattering of dishes isn't a burglar or a thief it is just gravity. And the noise that sounds like a triangle is actually the dryer.

I dont know why I get so afraid but I do. Someday though, someday I will overcome this paranoia and move on from it. Then life will be so much easier, maybe then I can go to a scary movie and not freak out as much as I do at present.

Stumbling and Cookies

Stumble is my muse. I am not even kidding. it makes me want to write more than ever. that, and the food network. oh so yummy just to watch.

Yes my thoughts are all over the place,

I am sleepy but I really wanted

to tell everyone about this. I made Pac man cookies the look a little like this picture...

Arent they cool? I made sugar cookies, which i've never made before. Then I made the frosting. again a first. The hard part was cutting out the shapes. I didnt have any cookie

cutters but I really wanted to make

these cookies and was going to be sad if I didn't. I found a circle for pac man so he ended up being easy. it was the ghosts that were hard. I didnt have anything that could cut a shape like that So i found something oval shaped, placed it on top of my dough and traced my knife around it. then I cut out the little triangles. IT TOOK FOREVER. But totally worth it. Well almost. they just needed eyes. I Didnt have any white frosting and no idea how to make the black so instead I found some chocolate frosting and a zip lock baggie and BAM eyes for a ghost. :)

Now dont get me wrong they looked great but the taste? Well i forgot, sugar cookies SUCK. They just arent good. So, next time I do this i need to find a new cookie to do it with.But hey, Jordan liked the cookies enough that my confidence wasnt completely shattered.

After stumbling I think I am going to make these

in the morning

the recipe is found at NoblePig.com and they are called Cinnamon Doughnut Muffins

When your blocked...

(Note to the reader: The way I originally set everything up didn't work very well so I had to re-post my ABOUT ME section in front of my first blog entry. So "when your blacked..." actually begins when there is a break in the page.)

My name is Kalyn. That is all I am going to tell you about who I am I think. My blog will tell you everything I need to know. I won't tell you my age. I wont tell you what I aspire to be, not here anyways. I will just tell you my name because, well, my name is something I may never tell you anywhere else.

You know what else I will tell you here? I will tell you something I live by. Expression is vital, you have to be willing to fall on your face every now and again. Life isn't always going to be a walk in the park. Sometimes you are going to hurt. I guess that's what I want you to take from my blog. I want you to watch me as I grow up and become a woman of a great many talents. I want you to watch me as I fall and stumble. I want you to know me better than anyone else and, perhaps you will grow to love me.

No you may never meet me face to face, and that is okay. I don't know if anyone will ever read this, if you are reading this Thank You. If you comment double thank you. It means a lot to me that people would care long enough to write their own thoughts down. So please take my experiences and do with them what you will. I don't know you so sharing with you is easy. Enjoy my rants...

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Write. I say that like it is an easy thing to do, Note: it isn't. Writing isn't simple, not good writing at least. In order to be a good writer, heaven forbid a GREAT WRITER, you have to write. But again, that is not easy. Writing is one of the hardest things you can do why? Because you are not writing to please anyone else but yourself and, if you are anything like me, you are hard to please.

Nothing is ever good enough. you are never quite everything you want to be, you have to be better, the best. But, this is what I aim to do.

I am presently Blocked. I cannot think of what to write so I am writing about writing. After that? well I am probably going to make a list. A list that may or may not mean anything but it will mean that words are going on to the screen (which is what is going to be my paper). After that? HOW SHOULD I KNOW? I'm a writer with writers block, I don't know what is going to come out of these fingers, they walk across the keys with their own mind.

the picture for this Blog I found while stumbling at 2:06am my time. I feel it was very fitting...